Available in Early Access on PC, Bellwright offers players a unique survival-style adventure. One of the first and important stages…
All Jokes of the Game "Stalker". Complete Collection of Jokes from GSC Game World
Butcher79
In "Stalker" jokes and anecdotes are literally at every turn. Here is a complete selection of all STALKER humor
Jokes "Shadows of Chernobyl"
Joke #1 (New Russian)
Who says: "Experienced" stalker, Freedom, Duty
Says a new Russian to a familiar stalker:
- This, hear (businesslike) ... golden ryp mine padgani. I’ll throw the dough - you’ll say lope ...
And then all the boys, in fact, have it, and I'm the only one who seems to be a goof (perplexed).
Well. Stalker was stunned:
- So the floor, the floor after all ... the artifact (comes to life) is so radioactive.
New Russian:
- No, well, fuck off (businesslike). Radioactive, radiopassive, I won’t put him in my underpants (soothes). I, as it should be, on a yellow cepura, Schaub everything is like with people.
Joke #2 (Lost)
Who says: "experienced" stalker, military
Somehow a debtor got lost and shouts:
- People (drawn), respond, someone ayy.
Then someone catches up with him and ... clap on the backpack from behind. Well, he turns around, and there is a bloodsucker. Such a sad one. And squishes to him:
- What are you yelling at, huh?
The debtor already has pants full of hedgehogs ... but he still answers:
- I (nervous) got it wrong. I scream, can anyone hear (uncertainly)?
The bloodsucker paused, paused, and said to him:
- Well, I heard (very dissatisfied) and what are we going to do now?
Alternate version 1
Who says: Svoboda
Somehow a debtor got lost in the zone. Barely alive walks and shouts:
- Whoever (drawn out)! Save me, help!
Alternate version 2
Who says: rookie stalker
A bandyuk was lost in the Zone ... Well, he was hungry, there, he broke off. Wanders where his eyes look and yells:
— Pmagite, it's not. Reminder, by the way.
And then a couple of stalkers come out from behind a tree
- Well, did the couple roar (reproach)?
And he writes:
“Oh dear, please help me out. Posons!
And they hit him in the chest with an automatic barrel. They stand, they look, they wonder:
- Hey (surprise). Guys, you look (big surprise, bordering on discontent), how here, so immediately ... boys ... Help me out, please (grimacing). And as in the Landfill, so bitches and n **** aces (dissatisfied)?
Alternate version 3
Who says: "experienced" stalker
Somehow a contract soldier got lost in the zone. Walks and shouts:
- People! Whoever, please help!
And in the bushes, it means that the stalker sits and quietly rushes.
- Well, yes, well, yes (thinking) ... So at the checkpoint, tear up three skins (surprise), so goats and bastards (dissatisfied) ... but as soon as he got into the ass - so (grimacing) "People, help" ...
Joke #3 (Scales)
Who says: "Experienced" stalker, Duty
Two stalkers are sitting on the shore of the lake. One says to the other:
- As for radiation, I'll tell you something (with knowledge of the matter). They drive like I don’t know who (smiles)! I've been around here for 5 years now. Didn't notice any changes (with admiration)! What do you think (not sure)?
- Yes, definitely bullshit (languid voice). Although (thinking) ... On the other hand (groaning), the scales have been itching more and more often lately.
Joke #4 (Duty and Freedom)
Who says: rookie stalker
Two stalkers meet, well, one says:
- The other day I went to Duty ...
- Well? (questions)
- What and? (dissatisfied) And he owed it. Ha. And then he went to Freedom ...
- So what?
And became FREE!
Alternative version
Who says: "experienced" stalker
One stalker says to another:
- The other day I went to Duty, for a light ...
- And how (interested)?
- Well, how (confused) ... I should have stayed! ... And then I looked at Svoboda.
- So what (bursts with impatience)?
- And they say to me: “Man! Free!
Joke #5 (Student and professor)
Who says: "newbie" stalker
Exam student:
“Professor, you understand (in a languid voice), I can’t pass mathematics ... because I haven’t slept at all for the last month. As soon as I close my eyes, a terrible picture appears ... I was pressed against the wall of the nuclear power plant by some terrible mutants and are ready to be torn ... to shreds.
And the professor says:
Ha (evil grin). After graduating from the institute with current knowledge, young man, for sure, you would go into stalkers ... and there your nightmares are not far away, (reads the notation). Yes (smiles), but I have the right remedy. You did not pass the re-examination in mathematics, and therefore (strictly) you will be expelled and go to serve. And no monsters (happily), except, perhaps, "grandfathers."
Alternative version
Who says: "Experienced" stalker, Duty, Freedom
Generally. The stalker came to the doctor and said:
“Doctor, I can’t sleep at all (desperately)… I dream that I’m locked in a sarcophagus… with a bunch of monsters, and they (in total desperation) are slowly tearing me to pieces.”.
- This is you, dear, (with knowledge of the matter and with joy in his voice) the controller warns. My recipe is this: the next time you go deep into the zone (with a touch of irony), be sure to put down a bottle for him. And then (in a teaching tone), the hour is uneven, the dream will turn into reality.
- Well, thank you (with an expression of great gratitude) to you great doctor.
- Yes, not at all (waving aside gratitude)! - The controller says, - Thank you for the doctor (changes his tone from cheerful to strict). A trifle, but nice ...
Joke #6 ("It's a Deal")
Who says: "newbie" stalker
Announcement in Bar:
“... On the occasion of the celebration of the day of the stalker, an exit is organized into the depths of the zone for hunting, - in brackets: monsters, - gathering - in brackets: artifacts.
The gathering of all lovers of this case is scheduled for 6.30. "This case" take two liters. "
Alternative version
Who says: "experienced" stalker
Hanging on the base of the Debt announcement:
“A trip to the zone is being organized to hunt monsters and search for artifacts. Gathering of all wishing fans of this business is appointed to 9.00. For this case, take two bottles with you.
Joke #7 (Walking anomaly)
Who says: "novice" stalker, mercenary
Wandering, they say, is a walking anomaly in the zone - a non-drinking and non-smoking stalker.
“It is lured by the smell of milk or semolina. Remote detection method - at a distance of 200 meters from the object ... the Geiger counter goes off scale.
Joke #8 (Confession)
Who says: "experienced" stalker
Somehow the “driver” interrogates an experienced stalker:
- That is, you admit (in an official tone) that you tried to leave the territory of the Zone while intoxicated, in the area of the 12th checkpoint and had items prohibited from being taken out of it (asks)?
Well, he was tired of sitting under escort for the third hour ... He says to him:
“So… me!” I admit it, commander (almost screaming)! I admit everything - that's the cross! If I were sober - (grins discontentedly and highlighting every word) I would not have crossed past you freaks in my life with swag.
Alternate version 1
Who says: "newbie" stalker
At the checkpoint they grabbed a novice stalker and let's torture:
- For what purpose did you try to penetrate the territory of the Zone, having
unregistered hunting rifle and cartridges for it (officially).
And that… hungover… head like a barrel. In short, everything is fucked up. Answers:
- Pyany yes. Drunk (wearily). Yes, if I was sober ... I would (almost in a sober voice) for 5 kilometers of you, freaks, would bypass.
Alternate version 2
Who says: Svoboda
Somehow, Duty arranged a terribly secret ambush on the cordon and intercepted one stalker ... And that one has a full backpack of swag and the most terrible hangover and a feeling of remorse came over:
- Commander (with a request in your voice), let me go ... They told me that drinking is harmful, but I did not obey (in a sad voice). But it’s true (thinks aloud), right? .. If I were sober - could I have stuck my head in here - yesterday (with a mockery) the whole Zone saw how you set up an ambush on this path!
Joke number 9 (Vasya the pilot)
Who says: debtor, stalker, mercenary, monolith
Two stalkers meet:
- Hey (in a cheerful tone), and you're talking about Vasya, well, the one who wanted to become a pilot as a child, you know?
- What about him (interested)?
- Yes, he hit the trampoline yesterday (admiringly)!
Oppa (very surprised)...
- Uh-huh ... It came true, (highlighting each word) one can say that a person has a cherished dream. Flew!
Joke #10 (“But why are you calling us monsters?”)
Who says: "Experienced" stalker, Freedom, Duty
There is, it appears, a young stalker in the zone. Here bam! GROVE, and not small, but it is not on the map. Well green here and there. How to be: it’s dumb to meddle, and it’s not known how best to get around ...
Look here - some guy is looming nearby. And not a debtorDoesn't look like a mercenary. He was delighted, therefore, young and to him, so they say and so:
- Can you tell me how I can get around this grove (asks)?
He says:
— I, too, in that direction, let's go together.
They go to themselves. Okay, let's go easy. The young became bored, and he begins to suck up. Here means:
- It's great how to be a "worn" stalker (admires), not to be afraid of every rustle, not to carry a lot of weapons, - the peasant really had that, the trunk was not visible.
Well, he, therefore, begins to laugh:
— Yes, who is there to be afraid of at all (laughs)?
- How anyone, - the young one is surprised, - well (with knowledge of the matter), these are monsters. Controllers alone are worth it (exclaims)!
The man was so silent and said offendedly:
— You are a fool (reproaches)… If you had said zombies or bloodsuckers… But then (admiringly) we are controllers! Why call them "monsters"?
Joke #11 (Black Stalker)
Who says: "experienced" stalker
Appeared, then, in the Zone Black Stalker. I got into the habit of going to the camp at night. And there he sticks his hand into the tent and says:
- (in a voice beyond the grave, like a zombie) Vvadiychki papiiiiit, - and if you don’t let me take a sip from a flask or you climb outside, it will kill you!
And once a man alone decided to joke: he quietly got out of the tent, put on a leather glove, and climbed into the tent with his neighbors. He climbed, then, and says goodbye pitifully:
- Wadiiiichki, wadiiiichki papit ...
And then a hand sticks out of the tent towards him and by the throat of him ... Zap! And a hoarse voice answers softly:
— (in a hoarse, dissatisfied voice) Why do you need my water?!
Joke #12 (“The bottom is muddy, you can’t see shit!”)
Who says: "experienced" stalker
Somehow the stalker's mercenaries caught him. They approached the well, dipped him head down to the waist. A minute later they take it out and ask:
- Artifacts, loot IS (minting every word) ?!
He them:
(confused) no...
They drop him again. They got it, they ask:
- Artifacts, loot IS (extremely dissatisfied voice) ?!
- No (despite)!
Dipped again. And again they ask:
- Artifacts, loot IS (extremely dissatisfied voice) ?!
Well, he couldn't resist.
— Blyin. You either DOWN deeper or HOLD longer. BOTTOM muddy (despair bordering on discontent) — not a damn thing to see!
Joke #13 (Car enthusiast)
Who says: "experienced" stalker
An experienced stalker returns to his jeep. Here once! And next to the controller is hanging around. Stalker to him:
- (displeasedly squealing through his teeth) Get out of here while you're safe!
Controller offended:
- Well (with a touch of resentment in his voice) ... Are you crazy chtol? (indignant) I need your wreck for a hundred years ...
And the stalker oppresses himself:
- (displeased) I said - go! (calming down) Steal ... let's say you can't steal. (again dissatisfied) but to scribble some kind of rubbish ... you will get tired ...
Joke No. 14 (“They are lying that this is an anomaly!”)
Who says: "experienced" stalker, bandit
Old and young debtors are walking through the Zone. Suddenly the old one stops and whispers to the young one:
(very slowly) go quietly. Over to that tree.
Tadpole on tiptoe, crawled, already sweating. He came and showed with his hands: they say, then what to do next? .. And the experienced how to scream joyfully:
- Wooooo (with joy in his voice) !! I told you - BREAKING! They lie that this is an anomaly!
Joke #15 (At the Crossroads)
Who says: "Experienced" stalker, debtor, bandit
There is somehow a stalker at the third intersection and the signs read:
“To the right, anomalies and a LOT of swag. Forward - there are a lot of monsters and AVERAGE swag. To the left - taverns, girls and swag DOFIGISHCHA.
Well, he thought and thought and moved forward. Thinks:
- I heard about this couple ... Yes, I forgot the pancake (upset). It will be necessary to clarify with friends at the Bar - (perplexed) what the hell is this?! boars and girls.
Joke #16 (Mirror)
Who says: stalker newbie
Somehow, one debtor disappeared. Should have come in the morning, but no. His comrades are waiting, worried. Eventually, he comes running. Well, the rest to him:
- What happened then (with concern in his voice)? Where have you been?
And he them:
- Yes, here it is (with absent-mindedness in my voice) ... So (in a hurry to tell) I decided in the morning to help the creatures in the vicinity a little ... As usual (stammering in mid-sentence), -talk burers, three packs of blind dogs bled to the root. And zombies - I didn’t count at all!
- Well, this is understandable (waving aside) ... But what happened (they ask)?
- Yes, I’m going into the tent (with surprise). I look - and there is SO cool that even I can't cope with it. (With bitterness in his voice) I forgot that there was a mirror at the entrance. Well, in general ... I managed it, out of fear.
Joke #17 (Boys Showdown)
Who says: debtor
Mercenaries and bandits did not disperse in the zone. Well, they jumped up, the trunks stood up. The shooting began ... And the controller, who sat down at the intersection, was pleased:
- (in a hoarse, satisfied voice) here, they say, how well I chose the place ... For a long time I wanted to look at real boys' showdowns!
Alternate version 1
Who says: "newbie" stalker
They hit hard, which means there are two Niva in the Zone. From one - four stalkers fell out. And from the other as much... Word for word, a massacre went on ... Then the firing began. And in the bushes by the road, the controller sits and rejoices.
- (in a hoarse and very pleased voice) I chose a cool place! And it’s convenient to cover the clearing here with friends ... As soon as the shish kebab is cooked - so we will sit down.
Alternate version 2
Who says: bandit
“... So, kissed, specifically, in the Zone, two tachidlas. Stalkers dumped out of hell, from another ... Karooche, graters were plowed here, showdowns, makhalovo concrete.
And the controller sits on the stump and presses his lip:
— Ooooh (hoarse voice), shut up. Now the palyana will be covered - it’s not a shame and bros, cleanly, call to the hut. ”
Joke #18 (On the Benefits of Closing Doors)
Who says: debtor
Two stalkers are parked in the woods on the Bar. The first one is so cool, it’s all out of your ears ... on a Land Rover, well, or something like that. The second is scraggly, on a tattered Niva. Well, the cool one starts to make fun, looking like he still can’t slam the crumpled door. Shouts to him:
- Man (amusingly), why are you fooling around with your wreck? Who needs it? You would still put anti-theft! Comedian! .. I won’t close mine - and I don’t close it. Who is there to fear?
Well, the second one is silent, but somehow closed the doors. He’s coming back, so he’s from the bar, and the cool one stands silently by his car, as if petrified ... and only looks into the salon. The stalker approaches and also looks ... and then sympathetically like this:
— (with irony in his voice) Yeah, buddy… Bad luck. It happened to me too… (with displeasure in his voice) didn’t close the door — so the burers climbed in and ***ed everything to death.
Alternative version
Who says: stalker newbie
Somehow two stalkers drive up to the Bar. One on a heaped "Toyota", the other on such a broken-down "Nivak". Well, the cool one gets out of the car and sees that the one who arrived in the Niva cannot close the doors in any way. So he says to him:
- Man, why are you ugly (with knowledge of the matter)? Who is there to fear? (with a cheerful tone) The area is calm here - I finally never close the CAR!
And he answers him:
Yeah, I didn't close it either. So yesterday, a pancake (with bitterness in his voice), the burers climbed in. And all the nurses vomited.
Joke #19 (Controller's pet)
Who says: stalker rookie, freedom fighter, bandits
It means that the controller of a blind dog teaches all sorts of things ... On his hind legs, there, to walk, to pretend to be dead. Things are going a little slow, and a zombie is standing next to him and making fun of:
- (grimacing) Nothing will work out for you, you are suffering SHIT ...
And the controller shook his finger like that and answered:
— (displeased hoarse voice) hear stalker! Shut up, yeah You didn’t immediately learn how to bring me slippers!
Joke #20 (Diamond Sky)
Who says: stalker newbie
Somehow the Dolgovites caught a Svoboda-Rastaman. And they decided that it was necessary to shake him up - where and what freedom has hidden ... And he, therefore, does not inject into any, until he is locked up for a smoke.
“Let me,” he says, “puff.” I'll lay it all out for you!
Well, the debtors returned the reserve to him ... He scored a joint, lit a cigarette, sits high.
- Well, - they ask, - WHERE (displeasedly)?
And he is confused:
— (in a friendly sugary voice) so this, ribyata. What are you?? You don’t see it yourself - you have artifacts lying right under your feet (rushing with laughter)! Wow (surprised)! And now the sky has gone in a-diamonds (rushing with laughter)! FUCK!!!
Joke #21 (There's nowhere for a brick to fall...)
Who says: debtor
Somehow, a piece of slate from the roof fell off the Svobodovites at the base. Someone got hurt. As always, a lot of people gathered, everyone sympathizes - well, yes, it’s easier than nailing the slate normally: “they say the peasant was unlucky (sympathetically).”
And then they took a closer look - otherwise it’s not a man, but a zombie. Wandered right into the area! And what do you think - they began to clutch at their heads and strengthen the posts? NICHRENA. They began to kill even more:
- The floor is nada, what a horror, divorced, they say, waaaarey (complain)! There is nowhere to spit, - so far, iii ... are being killed.
Alternative version
Who says: Svoboda, newcomer stalker
A brick fell off the roof of an abandoned factory and hit one man. The people gathered, worried:
- Damn (complain), there are enough monsters and controllers ... So also bricks fly from the roofs - “What the hell”, “dude was unlucky”, and so on.
But one experienced one took a closer look and said:
- Spakuha guys (with knowledge of the matter). There he and the road - it's a ZOMBIE tramp. And the people were even more upset:
- Blin (complain with a note of despair), what the hell is this-I - zombies got divorced - there is nowhere for a brick to fall.
Joke No. 22 (“And drive two hundred for the ring!”)
Who says: bandit
“The boy approaches the huckster. Type:
- a grenade for a fiver nada?
- Che, f**, well, you gooosh (surprise). Let's!
- Nhaa, hold on (joyfully) ... And from behind the ring of gani two hundred. Hyyy."
Joke #23 (Fortuneteller)
Who says: bandit
“To Badyan, when he was still a minor, like,“ fairy ” basement. Well, he hums:
- I'll either give those brains in life as much as possible freaky, and the memory is such a fucking thing as a batan in nature, or (in a stern voice) ... you will be the right kid "in business."
Well, I kind of ask him:
So what (surprised)?
“Well, cho cho (displeased) ... I don’t remember cho.”
Anecdotes of "Clear Sky"
Joke #24 (It's me from hate)
Who says: Bandit
“Three stalkers are coming and they are sort of panting - which one of them is cooler.
The first one says:
- Yae cool, I flunked three bandits (in an important voice).
And second:
— Nyayay, bro (with a tone of doubt). I'm a lot cooler (smiles). I killed ten!
Third:
- That nuuuu you specific suckers (grinning and almost screaming)! I will correlate them with palagil!
And then, you hear, they look at a kid like that. Tired, in such a shabby leather jacket, Shota whistles like "Vladimirsky Central".
Stalkers:
- OPAAA (in a whisper and a strong fright)! - fell out on treason and scurried through the bushes.
Well, the kid did not notice them, clean, went on. And they mean this one is sitting and like one says:
- Listen, boys, but what about the fuck (displeasedly)?
Second:
- No, well, vnature bzdlo (exclamation)! What's up?
And the third one:
- Why did you hatch headlights on me (justifying yourself) ?? This I am hate…”
Joke #25
Who says: Bandit
“Two boys meet in the zone.
Adin says to another:
- Cool duck hat (admiringly). Rat (asks)?
And that one in his head.
- I * la (shouting)! You will answer for the "rat" bitch!
Joke #26
Who says: Bandit
Real guys are going shorter on the back of the Zone. Nuuu, then, like, they stopped to take a pee.
They just murmured - then baaah - from behind the bushes from the darkness such a bloodsucker jumps out and areth:
— FOR-SA-SUUUU (shouting)!!!!
The boys looked at each other and calmly say:
- Thank you, kanesh bro (with a tone of chagrin), but we are current with the Okruzhnaya ...
Joke #27 (The rubber band broke)
Who says: Bandit
Meet in short three stalkers in the dump. One eye was knocked out, in kind ... The other face is all so concretely scarred, and the third toes ... finally no!
Well, they began to ask someone where such beauty came from.
The first in a voice shows and says:
- It was (in a calm voice) that I healed the swag for the boys - I had to shoot back.
Well, everyone kind of respectfully nods (admires), it's normal.
The second one pokes his face:
“I’m like… I ran into a pack of pseudo-dogs.
It's like that:
- Respect, okay, respect (admire)!
They look at the third, and that type is confused and silent.
- You hear a sidekick, but what happened to your leg (with a tone of concern), they ask.
- That one (waving aside), he plowed with the boys in the camp, so he put on his lead underpants, Schaub not to become an impotent at radiation.
- Nuuu. Put on ... and what (surprised)?
- Thaaaaa (waving) ... The rubber band burst.
Joke No. 28 (Beautiful Prince)
Who says: stalkers and purebreds
Somehow, a bloodsucker and a controller collided in the dungeons of Agroprom.
Bloodsucker:
- Well, you scared me (in a low tired voice) ... MONSTER!
Controller:
- Look at yourself (grinning)! Me too (grimacing). Prince is beautiful.
Alternative version
Who says: svobodovtsy
Somehow a bloodsucker and a controller collided in the Agroprom subway.
Bloodsucker:
- Well, you scared the freak changing (in a low, dryish voice)!
Controller:
Look at YOURSELF (in a languid voice).
The bloodsucker is:
- Yes, FUCK you (indignantly)!
And the controller takes control of it and bends over the puddle:
- And I say - LOOK (in a calm voice).
Joke No. 29 (“Food can’t talk!”)
Who says: stalkers and purebreds
There is a newcomer in the zone. I was daydreaming, I didn’t notice the ravine and ... how it will roll downhill!
Below is a grinder. Nu stalker thinks:
- Everyone ... Farewell, mother! (with bitterness).
And then someone. Tsop! .. He looks ... and this zombie grabbed him and pulls, pulls now somewhere.
The stalker asks him:
“Zzombie, this one (out of breath), thank you for saving me from a meat grinder… And where are you dragging me (after coming to your senses)?”
And zombies:
— Kantraller loves fresh meat (mechanical hoarse voice). Ffarsh - does not like. And you can't talk about food.
Joke #30 (Mythology)
Who says: stalkers and purebreds
The old stalker has retired. He sits by the fireplace with a pet dog and reads:
- ... In Greek and Roman mythology (in a tense voice, reading every word) Cerberus is a monstrous two-headed dog. With a snake tail... Protecting the entrance to the underworld.
Here is the dog:
— GAW!
The stalker was alarmed, immediately climbed behind the barrel. And all around ... QUIET.
He to the dog:
- What are you, my friend (with a note of surprise)?
And he said:
- Bow-wow. Wow, but your mythology.
Joke #31 (“Come on with the mushroom sauce!”)
Who says: stalkers and purebreds
The stalker enters the Bar:
— Bartender! Give me something to eat (in a dismissive tone).
The bartender, then, begins:
- Nuu (with knowledge of the matter and emphasis on the names of dishes), today there is an eye of the flesh. IN TOMATO SAUCE. Fried snork feet. IN TOMATO SAUCE. From fish… Bloodsucker tentacles. IN TOMATO SAUCE.
Stalker already warped:
“You,” he says, “what did you think of (indignantly) ?! TO PICK PEOPLE?
The bartender also skewed.
- Who is poisoning!? Me (exclamation)?
Stalker:
- What, I (shouting over)!?.. Come on with mushroom sauce (indignantly)! What the fuck is a tomato?
Alternative version
Who says: debtors
The bloodsucker enters the Bar:
- Bloody MARY ME (shouts out in a hoarse voice)!
Well, Bartender, as expected. Pours tomato juice. Top with VODKA covers.
He drinks it all in one gulp. VOKE. And all THIS flies in the bartender's face, on the counter, on the bottles.
— Bartender! this is SHO FOR shit (unhappy)?
He wiped himself off, got a cutter:
- Shota, you have become strange bloodsuckers (with a smirk)! Instead of blood, now give you TOMATO JUICE (very dissatisfied)! .. But for the mess ... you will have to ANSWER.
Joke No. 32 (Pseudorepka)
Who says: stalkers and purebreds
“The stalker planted a pseudo-turnip (with admiration). A pseudo-turnip has grown ... Big, big.
I took the stalker GrenadeMET! And went to get it.
And everything would be for him for sure ... it turned out. If only… (quickly) pseudo-bugs and pseudo-mice didn’t come running!”
Alternative version
Who says: debtors
Somehow my grandfather planted a turnip. In the Zone... And a big, big turnip grew.
So big ... that if it weren’t for the trunk, my grandfather would have fought her off!
Joke #33 (Stalker in Hell)
Who says: stalkers and purebreds
Somehow a stalker got on an excursion to hell.
He is shown a trait of torment that sinners endure: (with admiration) Boiling tar! WHIPS! Smoldering COALS! Fire all around... Screams. Smells gray...
The stalker looked at all this and said to the devils:
- Well, dudes (calmly). (Sighs). You have warmth here. DRY. Eh ... Yes, and you have more entertainment here than we have in the Swamps (With a tone of skepticism). So I'll probably ... stay here (smiles).
Alternative version
Who says: debtors
The stalker goes to hell.
The devil at the entrance begins to rub: how now you will have to suffer STRONGLY.
- First, - they say, - they are covered in shit. Then they put it into a vat of boiling resin. Then liquid SULFUR will be poured into the throat. Then, - here the stalker cuts him off.
- The old man (with knowledge of the matter), I understand. STANDARD program - therapeutic mud, there. BATH. Then you can fall into the BAR ... (Remembers that he forgot something) You better tell me ... Where can I SHOOT at your resort? And then I lose all my skills.
Joke No. 34 (“Glaze over your eyes”)
Who says: stalkers and purebreds
“Once we were sitting with the men in an ambush. By the evening - the wind has risen ... WHISTLES! HOWLING! It’s cold… We’re all shaking… An empty stomach is murmuring that your mother-in-law…
And here. Someone over my shoulder. Be careful, it's touching.
I turn around ... And there is a bloodsucker.
Well, I didn't get lost. Like ZARU… how to jump on him. And let's ... cover his eyes.
- (chuckling) You ask, how can you smear the eyes of a bloodsucker? Hhhh. When you see a bloodsucker a stone's throw from you ... you will find out what (with a mockery). ITSELF will be found!
Joke #35 (Debt Gravedigger)
Who says: debtors
There is a cheerful debtor, waving a bloody shovel.
To meet him ANOTHER debtor.
- Where are you going, brother (greetings)?
- (With a malicious grin) Happy funeral!
- Why is he so cheerful (grins in response) ?!
- Svoboodovtsy buried (brags)!
- Well, why is the shovel in the blood (surprised)?
- So they dug out three times, bastards (with a hint of despair)!
Joke #36 (Pseudo Dog Puppy) (Alternative Artifact Joke)
Who says: debtors
Well, that means. One man is pushing up to the stalker. And says:
- Hey, friend (calling)! And get me ... a pseudo-dog puppy.
Stalker to him:
- Are you crazy chtoli (with displeasure in your voice) ?! Tired of LIVING? He'll tear you apart in a second!
“Yes, you don’t understand (with a grin),” the man says, “I’m not myself.” I am mother-in-law, for a GIFT.
Joke #37
Who says: debtors
On the edge of the Sarcophagus are two controllers.
The first is like this, CONFIDENTLY:
- Damn (in total shock)! Pants dropped.
“Hhhaha,” the second one looked at him like that and said indifferently, “well, FUCK with him (choking with laughter)!” And the first with a sigh like this:
– Aaaaah (with bitterness in his voice)… That’s it…
Joke No. 38 (Where the mushrooms will lead) (alternative version of the joke about Vasya)
Who says: svobodovtsy
Meet, then, two stalkers and one asks:
— Hey, where is Vaska? Cheto is not visible today (he suspected something).
The second says:
- And he went for MUSHROOMS (with a smile).
- And went far (inquiring)?
- Who the hell knows! It depends where it is ... MUSHROOMS will be taken out.
Joke No. 39 (“And it’s called a grenade!”)
Who says: freemen, bandits
There are two specifically "hooked" zombies:
— Hey, man (languid voice). Do they have something to catch up with?
- Yo, dude (it dawned on me)! A stalker I know here drove such a powerful thing to me (bragging). Finally. CLASS.
- How does it insert?
- That five seconds and just GO!
— AAAFIG. And rowing hard?
- Yes, the stalker said that before the head is full of atry!
— UUUU. BLISS.
— Ah. And what is it called?
- And it's called ... Grenade.
Joke #40 (Zombie Football Players)
Who says: svobodovtsy
We decided to somehow play football with zombies. We split into teams, found the BALL and started. Well, in general, played enough there. Let's go.
In general, it's time to go home. Well, they think that the ball should be taken away - it will still come in handy.
Then one bends down for the ball, and he says to him:
- Hey bro, what are you doing (with offense)? No, I'll come home myself. This is how the body will stop wandering around somewhere. This is how I will come...
Joke #41 (The most important thing in a tank)
Who says: svobodovtsy
The Svoboda men repaired the tank, and in general decided to make war on it. Well, there was one dude who was once a tanker ... And he gives them a lecture:
“Well,” he says, “people! Tell me: WHAT is the most important thing in a tank (minting every word)?
- Poooo!
- Wrong answer.
- Armored!
- MUINYA (grimaces)! The answer is wrong ... Eh (with anguish in his voice) salabons, you salabons. The most important thing in a tank... is not to shit!
Joke No. 42 (“Bloodsuckers must be killed as little ones!”)
Who says: svobodovtsy
Dolgovtsy come to Bar after another, there, their crusade. Everyone is tired, like dogs ... In the blood. Soap.
Well, of course - they order a drink ...
Along the way, there the commander tells how they screwed up with the controller. How zombies were soaked, how mutants were strangled.
Here a mosquito flies into the room.
Dolgovtsy all as one break down ... and let's smack at him from all the trunks.
The bartender from under the counter yells:
— Hey, Hey! What are you (bewildered).
And the commander of the debtors:
- These reptiles (in a calm voice) should be killed as small ones ... Until they become adult bloodsuckers.
Joke No. 43 (The return of the stalker home)
Who says: beginners, "seasoned" stalkers and purebovtsy
In the trash, a drunken stalker returns home at THREE o'clock in the morning.
Well, and the wife, then, is waiting with a frying pan.
Stalker on all fours Crawled into the apartment. He took out a nut, FLASHED towards the toilet.
Poked. Crawled there.
The wife observes this matter so silently.
The stalker threw up, crawled out of the toilet. He took out a nut, FLASHED towards the bedroom.
Poked. Crawled.
Here is his wife with all the dope on the head. FUCK!
Stalker. ONCE - passed out.
Then he regained consciousness ... He took out the map - he marks the place of the new anomaly - and mutters:
“That’s fartanuloooo, so fartanuloooo (in a hoarse, bruised voice)…
Joke No. 44 (“I hid vodka from my wife…”) (alternative version of the joke about an unknown anomaly)
Who says: beginners, "seasoned" stalkers and purebovtsy
It means that two stalkers are making their way along the streets of Pripyat.
One is EXPERIENCED, the other is a beginner.
Well, the newbie constantly checks the map… The seasoned one just smirks.
Here, at one of the crossroads, the experienced one SLAMS himself on the forehead.
Pulled a card from a newbie:
- Exactly! .. Anu come on, new fish. We'll make our way to that house (shouted).
We made our way.
Experienced:
“Now let’s go to this paradnyak. GET IN. Climbed up the stairs.
Experienced says:
- STOP! Break this door (with skill).
The newbie kicks the door out at a run.
Experienced:
- GET TO THE KITCHEN! BREAK the hood.
The newcomer, it appears, is trying to tear the bars off the wall.
Puffs and asks, respectfully:
- Hey, what kind of artifact is this. What couldn’t CAM take away (in a whisper and surprised)?
And experienced him:
- What the FUCK artifact (yelling)?! .. Before the accident, I lived in THIS apartment ... And in the ventilation - I hid vodka from my wife! LETS break faster!
Joke #45 (Driver)
Who says: beginners, "seasoned" stalkers and purebovtsy
It means that Niva is flying with stalkers around the Zone.
ANOMALIES bypasses at breakneck speed. Oncoming MONSTERS on the bumper accepts.
Flies into the checkpoint, passes it. Almost collided with an armored personnel carrier.
And it is carried away along the road away from the Zone ...
Passengers in FULL prostration ... And she drove calmly like this - with ONE hand she turns the steering wheel, in the OTHER she holds a bottle of beer. And from time to time sips from the throat.
Then one stalker LITTLE came to his senses:
— WELL you give (astonished)! - He says, - WHERE did you learn to drive like that?
And the carrier laughs:
- Heh! (drunk) Here I used to work on a minibus in Kiev ...
Joke #46 (Major)
Who says: beginners, "seasoned" stalkers and purebovtsy
Somehow one MAJOR got fed up with his free life - he wanted extreme sports.
He stocked up, it means, with the MOST sophisticated armor. I bought the coolest VALYNA.
Hung on her that only possible. NUTS in general ordered from a jeweler. PLATINUM!
In general, packed to the fullest.
Well, and went to the Zone.
IMPRESSEDLY drove through the checkpoint. I threw a BUCKLE of bucks to the sentry on the go.
Rides, then, in the Zone. HENESIE gushing from the throat. The speakers are spitting some POPSU.
In general, as usual. Feels like a master of life (laughs).
And then suddenly. OPA.
And a hoarse voice in the brain:
- Hey boy. Do you have a smoke?
Joke #47 (Nakarkal)
Who says: beginners, "seasoned" stalkers and purebovtsy
Teaches, then a beginner: how it is to live in the zone. HOW to do what - so as not to get stuck in unpleasant situations.
Young asks:
- And imagine such a thing (mysteriously) ... Here we are walking along the Zone. And then from all sides - MONSTERS. EVERYTHING there is. And we have only ONE cartridge for two. YOU, in the trunk ... How will you act then (nervously)? Shoot yourself. And leave me to be torn apart? Or will you shoot ME, and you will somehow get out yourself?
The old stalker without hesitation:
- Shit question! YOU of course (shouts) ... Zzza tto what on-kar-cal!
Joke No. 48 (Sniffing the Artifact)
Who says: beginners, "seasoned" stalkers and purebovtsy
A drunken stalker crawls into the Bar on all fours. Turns to the wall And starts to crawl up.
He climbs to the ceiling, then crawls along the other wall to the STAND.
ORDERS a bottle of vodka.
Drinks.
He takes out an artifact from his backpack. SNIPS.
Then it turns around and crawls out of the Bar.
One stalker was stunned. Well, he says to the other:
- Did you see (surprised)?
And he told him:
- Wow (understanding). I had a bite, PPADLA (indignantly). Not those times! (lamentingly) Previously, a decent stalker used to sniff with artefact!
Joke #49 (Lipstick)
Who says: beginners, "seasoned" stalkers and purebovtsy
Stalker comes home late at night. DRINK into firewood.
Wife to him:
- AGAIN with the girls in the taverns drinking (displeasedly)?
Stalker:
— Tta, Tta whcha (stuttering)? What girls? PATROL near the zone swept up (lamented). THREE hours of cheating! Barely asked to be released.
- And you mean the VODYARS got drunk with joy (very displeased), SCART?
- Yes, what yya got drunk. I took out the radiation! Don't bring it home? - makes excuses, then a stalker. And the wife is not appeased:
— OKAY... And hickeys on the NECK?!
- Eee, it's all blood-sucking (refuses)! JUMPS out from around the corner, but how GRABS. And I only have a gun. Barely took his legs (with bitterness in his voice).
Then his wife HOW will crack on the head with a frying pan.
- Aaah, you are YOUR-LO-CH (in desperation). The next time you meet your bloodsucker, pass it on. (Minting every word) This lipstick is no longer in vogue.
Joke #50 (“Shoot in the head!”)
Who says: beginners, "seasoned" stalkers and purebovtsy
Two newcomers went to the Zone. Before they even took a couple of steps, they were attacked by a bloodsucker.
The newcomers, of course, threw their guns out of fright. And how they DRIVE in different directions.
The bloodsucker chose one of them. And ran after him.
THAT on the tree. And the bloodsucker is behind him.
The second newcomer is back. GRABS the barrel and let's shoot the bloodsucker.
BOOM! - the bloodsucker has the right egg to the side.
The creature, therefore, roars in pain, but climbs further along the tree.
The one again: BOOM! - left egg to the side. The bloodsucker is bleeding. But he still climbs UP.
Only became even ANGER.
BBAH! - the bloodsucker tears off the last personal belongings. But he still doesn't stop.
Here, from the top of the tree, the first newcomer shouts to his partner:
- TO THE HEAD! Shoot him in the head (very scared). You moron, he wasn't going to force me.
Jokes "Call of Pripyat"
Joke #1 (Not just in the Anomaly Zone)
Who says: debtors
Accumulated, then, a stalker of money. Bought a house by the river. Washed this thing. In the morning, from a hangover, he enters the barn ...
Beats on the jamb. Steps on a rake. Rebounds. Slips on cow poop. Falls into a pig trough ... At this time, a shovel breaks off the wall And hits him on the hump.
The stalker in the shed got up and whispers:
- And let me after that ... Someone else will tell THAT anomalies exist only in the zone. (weak voice).
Joke #2 (Dachshund)
Who says: debtors
Two freemen are sitting. They smoke. HERE the dachshund of one of them runs in.
ANOTHER asks:
— Shoto Your dog’s legs are somehow short (suspicious)…
He looked carefully:
- Nope (surprised). They seem to reach the ground...
Joke #3 (Decision Making)
Who says: debtors
Two freedom fighters, MEAN, are sitting And thinking:
- To my mind. You need to get drunk to make a decision (with confidence in your voice) ...
And another to him:
- And in my opinion (pressing with authority) ... in order to get drunk, (grinning) no decision needs to be made.
Joke number 4 (“But I didn’t see ...”)
Who says: debtors
The bloodsucker wanders through the forest: EAT hunting. Well, as luck would have it. Not a single stalker around.
And another bloodsucker runs towards him...
And the blood runs down the face.
Well first to him:
— Oooh (hoarse admiring voice)… Lucky you. Where are you like that!
And he answers:
Do you see the tree on the hill? Tolstoy.
- I see (surprised) ...
- But I didn’t see (sorrowfully) ...
Joke #5 (Promise)
Who says: debtors
One freedom fighter says to another:
- You know ... I will NEVER, NEVER in my life eat mushrooms (denies).
- Why is that (surprised)?
- Yes, I promised them yesterday (sorrowfully) ...
Joke #6 (Life shrinks)
Who says: debtors
Two freemen are sitting. SMOKED.
One to the other:
- I heard such a topic (in a calm voice) ... Grass reduces life by TWO TIMES (exclamation)!
— How old are you?
- Nuuu. Twenty-five (rumples) ...
- Wow (laughing)! And without grass - there would have been fifty (admiringly)!
Joke No. 7 (Svobodovtsy and the bloodsucker)
Who says: debtors
It means that two Svobodovites are sitting on a hillock. Stoned, of course ... to green brooms.
Here ONCE. Bloodsucker on them from the bushes.
The first Svoboda heard a noise. He raised his head… And was stunned.
- Eptaa ... Bloodsucker (in a whisper with a hint of surprise) ...
The second also raises his head like that And says thoughtfully:
- Oh damn (with very big surprise) ... Such a ****.
Joke #8 (“Uncle… Do you hear… Uncle…”)
Who says: debtors
Sitting Svoboda in Limansk. The sun is warming. He dozes on it.
Then he sees: the stalker is coming. And DIRECTLY on the Carousel anomaly.
Svobodovets to him:
- Uncle (in a tipsy voice) ... You hear. Uncle. It's... Oppa...
Joke number 9 (Weed to drink)
Who says: debtors
Once a Svoboda member comes to the doctor at Yanov. And he complains, they say, he’s been ill lately.
A chiropractor, that means he looked at it all. And says:
- Well (wearily). You'll have to heal. Drink herbs.
Svoboda's eyes popped out of his head:
- You doctor DRIVE (displeasedly)! You still tell me ... smoke syringes.
Joke #10 (Crow Attack)
Who says: debtors
A group of Svobodovites went on a raid. We walked. We decided to make a halt. Sit down.
Nui ob-smoked. And how LET'S plant in the white light!
They fired until everyone fired.
As it calmed down - FROM the bushes, a stunned stalker rises ...
- Are you THAT? Guys (in amazement and in a half whisper).
- What are you, man (offended). We barely got off. From these (justifying himself) ... Like them. Eee. (Very excited and stuttering) Oh. These. Crows! Ravens, DEFINITELY.
- Chevooo (asks indignantly)?
- Yeah. (stuttering) You know. Aggressive ones. Terrible ones, with ... beaks.
Joke #11 (The Eleventh Commandment)
Who says: svobodovtsy
Moses talking to God:
- Lord, well, the ten commandments, this is a lot (begging) ... Let's remove a couple, A (begging)? Well, at least here it is: DO NOT ADULTY.
Lord:
(instructively) Moses! DO NOT trade.
— SHOOO?! (surprised) Where does it say "Don't bargain"???
Joke No. 12 (Terrible secret)
Who says: svobodovtsy
An old debtor tells his granddaughter about his adventures.
- Once... I had to defend myself against TEN boars (admiringly)!
Granddaughter:
- Nnn grandfather (harmful)! Last year you talked about five boars.
- You, granddaughter, were (in a frightening voice) still too small And could not know this terrible secret ...
Joke #13
Who says: svobodovtsy
“Young stalkers don’t know how to collect artifacts… But EXPERIENCED stalkers know how NOT to collect.”
Joke #14 (Woodpecker)
Who says: svobodovtsy
Two debtors are talking:
— Won't you remind me… WHO am I (looking sideways at the other)? Lark? OR an owl?
- You've been asking me for the fifth time (tiredly) ... You're a WOODPECKER!
Joke #15 (Ambushed)
Who says: svobodovtsy
The son asks the debtor father:
- Dad, oh, dad (pulls). Tell us about your adventures in the Zone (admiringly)!
- Nnn. I’m sitting, I mean in the bushes (very tensely) ...
- Yeah ... you're sitting in an ambush. Dad!
- Nnnnuuuu (lost). Let it be in ambush ... One does not interfere with the other (smiling).
Joke #16 (Twelve Joints)
Who says: svobodovtsy
Somehow we caught a debtor in the Army Warehouses. And they say:
“Tell Anna how many people are in your assault squad (sitting through clenched teeth)!”
That one is:
- Fuck you, SCREATS (with pride)! I won't say anything. Cut it anyway!
- Yes, you think about it properly (offended) ... We're not just like that, we're honest. (change tone to benevolent)! For each of your YOUR grass we will sprinkle on the jamb.
And he swears even more:
- Whom do you hold me for (squeezing out of yourself), svvvollochi! So that it's me ... Our entire squad. For some twelve joints he sold (dissatisfiedly) ??
Joke #17 (“The machine gun brought…”)
Who says: svobodovtsy
A debtor comes to Cardan, a technician. And says:
- Well. Is my order ready (joyfully)?
And Cardan:
- Not shaburshii (in a low, sober voice). Ithaak's head cracks... - and takes out three pistols, - Vooot. Look. (praising) Improved accuracy. The handle was made new and the magazines increased by one and a half times. (changing tone to admiring). After all, maybe even hands with a bubble or two.
Dolgovets:
- No ... Cars shine (bewildered). No questions. Nooo...
— What NNO (displeasedly)!? Still top class (praising).
- Yes, this (rumples). Well, I actually brought a machine gun. I have a tape jammed there ...
Joke #18 (Knowing)
Who says: svobodovtsy
Two dudes are sitting, ALREADY smoked ... They feel good, that's all, And one of the other asks:
— Listen, dude (excitedly)… Do you know what time it is?
- I know (groans) ...
- Thank you, dude (admiringly)!
Joke #19 (“We got some information…”)
Who says: svobodovtsy
The man sits at home, does not touch anyone. SUDDENLY there is a knock on the door.
He went opened. On the threshold are an African ELEPHANT, a panda bear AND a hamster.
The guy is like this:
- Opppankiiii (surprisedly) ...
And they officially told him:
- Dear (highlighting each punctuation mark). We've received information that hallucinogenic substances are being abused here!
Joke #20 (Mandatory)
Who says: svobodovtsy
In general, the stalker and Shulga, the Dolgovsky commander, are talking.
Shulga like this:
— Nu that, guy. Do you want to serve with us (looking sideways at the stalker)?
- Yes, for happiness (in a sugary voice)! But only ... a general (he became serious).
Shulga with SUCH of course ofigevaet. He paused. Gathered brains in a heap and how to yell:
“What are you, an idiot (shocked)?!
Stalker thought:
- Hey, uncle (very surprised) ... And what is this. Required condition?
Joke #21 (Watch your ears)
Who says: svobodovtsy
Once the FLESH saw a debtor nearby. And grunts, then, to his piglets:
- Come on, kids (friendly). Quickly close your ears ... Now he will miss us and will swear SO!
Joke #22 (Broken hand)
Who says: svobodovtsy
Two monoliths meet. One HAND perbit.
One:
- On Pripyat (sympathetically)?
Second:
- On Pripyat (sadly) ...
- How long (surprised)?
“Yeah, Duty…
- Shot OR with a grenade?
- Nah (grunts) ... One came ...
Joke No. 23 (“I got excited about the military ...”)
Who says: svobodovtsy
TV crews came to the Zone to shoot a story. Caught somewhere one of ours and ask:
- What do you think about the army (with an air of great importance), about military personnel ...
- Yes, they are freaks, freaks (complains). Definitely ... All they know is to tear THREE skins from stalkers! (reasonably) Creatures are afraid. They REALLY don’t do a damn thing ... In general, frostbitten to the WHOLE head ...
The TV people are:
— Yeah (astonished), such sincere indignation. Frankly speaking, it makes you think… Ahh. What can you say about the grouping DEBT?
Ours was so silent. I thought.
— You know dudes (at a loss). I think so ... I got excited about the military. Globally - they are NOTHING so people, NORMAL ...
Joke #24 (Noah's Dog)
Who says: svobodovtsy
Once Dolgovtsy come to Noah's Bar. Well, they knock on the door.
Well, knocking, knocking, And no one answers. Well, they broke up altogether. They start to crack down. And then suddenly ... out of nowhere, a pseudo-dog APPEARS. And says:
- Guys. Don't break. There is no one at home (calmly).
Dolgovtsy BRYK - and fainted. The strongest comes to his senses, just in case, cautiously crawls away from the dog And babbles to her, AJ stutters directly:
“Ttt, ttt, sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssratedtt(stricken off), what can’t you say?
And the creature to him:
- Of course I could (smiling)! I just didn't want to scare you. You guys are kind of nervous.
Joke #25 (Joker)
Who says: military
In the military town The captain's wife comes to the general. And says:
- Comrade General (bewildered), I found in my husband's pocket ... a bra. No, how should I be?
- Let me. I'll figure it out myself (nervously)...
In the evening the general returns home. A bra forgotten in a pocket is found by a wife:
- Dear (joyfully)! You are such a joker ... And I keep thinking - where did I leave it?
Joke #26 (Which is harder?)
Who says: military
Means. Two privates DECIDED to pin the ensign:
- Comrade Ensign (uncertainly), But what is heavier: a kilogram of cotton wool or a kilogram of iron (smiles)?
- Nooooo (thinking). Of course, a kilogram of iron, says the ensign.
- And that's wrong (hardly holding back laughter)! Same thing!
- And now I will DAM (very displeasedly) on your head first with a kilogram of cotton wool, and then with a kilogram of iron. And THERE - let's see ...
Joke No. 27 (Reliable rear)
Who says: military
The general teaches the staff:
- And for-remember-no-those (officially). Very often, AFTER a battle check. It turns out that a reliable rear is actually ... a defenseless ass (angrily).
Joke No. 28 (“What is not there is not there ...”)
Who says: military
Caught, then, the old stalker And interrogated:
- PEOPLE say You have ... AUTOMATIC (with a hint of doubt).
- Brashut people (groaning).
- PEOPLE say You have ... a MACHINE GUN (with a note of doubt).
- Breeeshut people (groaning).
- PEOPLE say You have ... TANK (confidently).
- Ahh, THIS is what is not - THAT is not (talking) ...
Joke #29 (Satellite)
Who says: military
Our and American satellites somehow collided in the sky.
The Americans lie THAT their satellite was non-spyware. And ours lie that our satellite was ... uncontrollable.
Joke #30 (Nothing to do)
Who says: military
Well, somehow a general arrives at the Cordon to the checkpoint. And he asks one of the conscripts:
- Nu, son. HOW is the service (paternally)?
- Nothing, comrade general ... I'm getting used to it (a little uncertainly).
“Imagine, soldier: you are now protecting people FROM the zone… How did you get here (worried)? BY YOUR OWN DESIRE?
- Nu, I agree that people should be protected from the zone (uncertainly).
The general smiles.
“W-what a conscientious soldier got caught (admiringly)!”
And that one further:
- I told the military commissar a hundred times: there is NOTHING for me to do in the zone (displeasedly)! And he's a bitch (offended)
Joke No. 31 (At the optometrist)
Who says: military
Somehow the ensign of the medical board passes. Eye doctor for him:
- Close your left eye ... WHAT letters do you see?
The banner is silent. Him again:
- Left eye, I say, close it (displeasedly)! What letters?
The banner is silent. The Doctor doesn't get it:
“Are you GENERALLY blind (almost yelling)?!
- No, doctor. NOT blind (surely). THESE most I see CLEARLY. Current ... I don’t remember how they are called (with annoyance).
Joke No. 32 (Charter of the Guard Service)
Who says: military
Dryuchit, in short, the head of the checkpoint of the conscript according to the charter of the guard service:
- Listen here Ivanov (displeasedly). You are standing, which means you are at your post at night. SUDDENLY you see - something dark creeps up to you ... YOUR actions?
- So it is (uncertainly). Vvvas, comrade commander ... I need to go home ...
Joke No. 33 (Who is smarter)
Who says: military
A general says to a private:
- As I see it, private, are YOU something fucking smart (displeased)?
He is such a:
- Who? I AM? (scared)
“Well, I’m not…
Joke #34 (Not from your part)
Who says: military
It means that a new polkan has arrived for a part. This and that, a smoke break, he is with the officers in the smoking room. Well, he told a joke.
Everyone laughs ... But one flyer - no. He tells him:
- Listen, lieutenant (displeasedly). EVERYONE is funny, but YOU - no?
- So I'm not from your unit (grins), Comrade Colonel.
Joke #35 (Instill fear)
Who says: military
Salabon in a cloak complains:
- Comrade ensign (complains). And why did they give me some kind of garbage? PANTS - to the knees, the SHIRT dangles. And the sleeves are short. Berets, over there, they fly off by themselves ... I looked in the mirror ... it became scary (with a hint of fright) ...
And ensign to him:
- All WAY, SOLDIER (confidently and chattering). Everything is AS NECESSARY. Zzzremember. WE have to inspire the enemy chtooo? AWESOME, fear!
Joke #36 (Spirometry)
Who says: military
A helicopter pilot came to the medical board. Well, take it apart. Inspect.
Then they began to ask, And he, therefore, answers:
- Growth!
- One hundred and ninety.
- Weight!
- One hundred and two.
- Spirometry?
- What the hell is this (surprised)?
— Nnu, are you blowing HOW MUCH (condescendingly)?
- Yes, two liters (thoughtfully).
- Weird. Mmalovato something (surprised). Yes, it's on the card. Four…
- So this is (smiles). Four ... only on holidays!
Joke No. 36 (“To not do a damn thing longer ...”)
Who says: beginners and "experienced" stalkers
Two stalkers are sitting in the Bar. They already drank well And they are discussing everyone around:
- The laziest. This is the military (turned up) ... Stalkers are robbed AT the very cordon ... Atabral swag (disgruntled). And then, after a hundred meters, he sold it to Sidorovich (grins).
- Nnnee. YOU are wrong (objects). THE MOST lazy THIS are merchants (disgruntled). I know one... So he SPECIALLY gets up early, TO do not do shit for a longer time.
Joke #37 (Mother-in-law's photo)
Who says: beginners and "experienced" stalkers
One stalker says to another:
- And I always take a photo of MOTHER-in-law with me on a hike (admiringly).
Why (contradictory)?
- Well, how the SAME (shouts)! Cold, DIRT, anomalies, Mutants... And I look at the card (almost in a whisper and with admiration) and think. Lord! Well, how!
Joke No. 38 (“It’s good that I don’t have ...”)
Who says: beginners and "experienced" stalkers
The doctor listens to the stalker who came to the reception. And he says:
- Good, good. Okay (smiling)!
- Doctor (with a pleading voice). And what’s good (surprised), the stalker asks.
- Horror well that I don’t have (choking with laughter) ...
Joke #39 (I'm a loser)
Who says: beginners and "experienced" stalkers
Three stalkers share advice. One says:
- I got myself a black jacket ... SO now the bandits consider me for THEIR (admiringly). And don't touch.
Second:
- And I painted my (mysteriously so) suit so that from a distance ON ... an army body armor looks like.
Third:
- And I put on an OLD, torn jumpsuit (even more mysterious) ... And there is an inscription on the back. "I'M A LOSER. TOUCH - and my failure will be transferred to YOU. (changes tone to cheerful). So closer than fifty meters VAASCHE no one comes!
Joke #40 (Vodka treatment)
Who says: beginners and "experienced" stalkers
Came, then, the stalker To the doctor. The doctor examined him and said:
- Here THIS is from fatigue (with knowledge of the matter), THIS is from nervous tension, and THIS is from depression.
- Thank you, doctor. Thank you (uncertainly). S-tell me, but you have nothing but VODKA?
Joke No. 41 (Attacked, beaten ...)
Who says: beginners and "experienced" stalkers
The stalker meets his old friend. And that one is all rumpled, FINGAL under the eye.
- Peetya, what's the matter with you (surprised)?
- Yeah, damn it. They attacked, beaten, took away the money (bitterly) ...
- Do you remember THEM at least (sympathetically)?
- How about remembering it? Wife something (with a smirk)!
Joke #42 (Trunk Front)
Who says: beginners and "experienced" stalkers
One stalker asks another:
- Do you know WHICH car is the most stalker (with knowledge of the matter)?
- No, - he answers, - What (interested)?
- Zaporozhets (with a smirk)!
Why (surprised)?
- Yes, everything is simple (with a smile)! RELIABLE as a tank, and a TRUNK in front. It is convenient to look after KHABAR!
Joke #43 (Military Secret)
Who says: beginners and "experienced" stalkers
Somehow they crossed near the cordon STALKER and a warrior.
Stalker soldier:
- Where are you scratching (grinning)?
- Are you a man? FUCKED (with displeasure)? It's a MILITARY secret.
- Hey, don't get excited. Didn't know (retorts). Why are you carrying something so heavy (with curiosity), all sweaty?
“Damn it, you’ll sweat here (complaining) ... Move these armor-piercing cartridges INTO the warehouse ...
Joke No. 44 (We talked) (alternative version of the joke about the well)
Who says: beginners and "experienced" stalkers
The stalker stumbled ON the swag tree. Well, one evening I decided to check it out. How is it, EVERYTHING is intact.
Well, you must! Someone is SITTING there, RUSHING, FEET hanging barefoot.
Staler creeps up and the DAC, the one that sits HARD between the legs on the tree.
And strictly like this:
- Inject PADLA, who is this (very displeased, squealing through his teeth)? From WHAT group?
The answer is SILENCE.
Well, the stalker pressed even harder.
- Who is this, I ASK!
And he AGAIN is silent. Well, the stalker got angry. He squeezed it so that it flowed straight down the arm:
- Hey, skatina ... I'll tear everything off for you now! Answer WHO. QUICKLY!
And from above such a hoarse, weak voice:
- Yaya controller (suppressed hoarse voice) ...
- And why was he silent, you bastard (indignantly) ?!
- So, I'm dumb ...
Joke No. 45 (“What the hell are bloodsuckers here?”) (an alternative version of the joke about stalkers on the lakeshore)
Who says: beginners and "experienced" stalkers
Generally. ZONE. Forest. POLYANA.
On the threshold of the old gatehouse sits a bloodsucker. HERE a little bloodsucker runs out of the house.
And to dad, BRAKES him:
- Pppaap, ah, paap, show the staalker (in a thin voice) ... Paap, show the stalker.
THAT went into the gatehouse. EXITS. Each arm has a skull. And it starts, AS in a puppet theater. The left skull is so thin:
— Ssemenych, H-WHAT do you think. Are there bloodsuckers HERE (excitedly)?
Right so bass:
- Well, you give, Petruha (surprised) ... What kind of bloodsuckers are there (with laughter)!
Joke #46 (Cure Trials)
Who says: beginners and "experienced" stalkers
Scientists somehow decided to CONDUCT field trials of a new drug.
Well, they hired a group of steelers UNDER this business.
Several days pass. One stalker comes to the professor and says:
— Hey, what do you mean to me, the wheels REPLACED (with a dissatisfied note)?
That one corrected his GLASSES and so carefully:
- And why (in a nasally quiet voice) did you suddenly decide that the drug was REPLACED?
And the stalker:
- So this (with knowledge of the matter) ... When I used to throw pills into a puddle, THEY sank. And right now, suddenly they started to SWIMMING (surprisedly) ...
Joke #47 (“And some things were stolen from him…”)
Who says: beginners and "experienced" stalkers.
Somehow they brought ONE of the officials to the Zone. Show what and how.
Some things SURPRISED him. Some are OUTRAGED. And some things… They stole from him.
Joke #48 (TV)
Who says: rookie stalkers
Conversation at the checkpoint ON the cordon:
- Comrade ensign (excitedly). Can I have a TV ... watch?
- Why not, fighter (with a smile). Can! (changes tone to sarcastic). Just a deal. TO NOT include!
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